WHO’S LISTENING? (September/October 2001 Issue)

Nobody ever said listening is easy. It may be the hardest thing we do all day. Everyone wants to talk, nobody wants to listen. I’m not referring to our counseling sessions. We’re paid to listen there. But what about outside of counseling?

We want to talk like everyone else. Get our air time. Be heard. Maybe even - wonder of wonders - be understood. When everyone’s mouths are moving, how many people are listening? Ever go to a lunch gathering that resembles a verbal food fight?

Listening requires suspending our interest in ourselves. Not easy to do. A modern-day Confucius might say: "Ah, we live in self-indulgent times." We are encouraged by this psychological era to get our own needs met. If there’s a single need unattended to, we’re flagging. Let’s get out there and get it satisfied.

Since listening means focusing on the needs of someone else, it may seem alien, make us feel uneasy, as though we’re wasting time. What can we do to help anyway? All’s we do is nod our heads and they gotta do it themselves. Right?

But some people manage to display their listening skills despite all this. You can always tell good listeners by the kinds of responses they make when we’re talking:

• "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I’ve had that happen to me lots of times."

• "Excuse me for laughing; I just happened to think of something funny while you were talking."

• "Could you repeat what you just said? I was having a few Senior Moments there."

• "You must have read my mind. That’s just what I was thinking."

• "Well, that’s where we are different. Here’s what I would’ve done."

• "If they did that to me, I’d just tell them to shovel dirt in their own back yard."

• "Your mouth looks so funny when you get mad."

• "It would be good if you got to the point of the matter. Spare me the gory details."

• I want to understand what you said. You feel the world is an ugly place and you’re not gonna be a kind and gentle person any more."

Listening encourages the talker to keep talking. While that’s good, the talker may glom onto being the center of attention and hold onto it too long.

As a listener, we’d like to set a time limit. Like, "OK 15 minutes for you, and then 15 minutes for me." Be careful letting the other person go first. After 15 minutes, they’re just warming up. As the Good Listener, you see your own air time dwindling to nothing.

Then there’s the person who believes they’re sharing the air time when they say:

"OK, enough about me. What do YOU think about me?"

Let’s face it. Most people want to believe they’re more important than we are, OR their story is more interesting, OR they_re in a greater state of crisis than we are today (and tomorrow, and . . . . . .) OR we’ll gain by listening to their tale of woe. Nobody wants to read a novel that says "life is OK today." So our companions may invent drama even if it’s not there. If your friend is concentrating on your mouth and chin, it may be to see when your mouth has stopped moving, so they can begin talking….again.

Or their eyes are glazed because they’re thinking and rehearsing what to say next. Listening is hard because it is a form of surrender. In this absurdly competitive society, we may feel as though we’re "losing" if we’re not talking. We all want to be listened to, heard, understood. We’re self-oriented. It seems those who can break free of that cycle and genuinely tune into another person are those who get listened to the least. Is that fair?

There are no referees to call "fair" or "foul" in the sport of conversation. You have to make your own rules and decide what’s a fair balance between listening and being heard. If the other person’s domination of the conversation comes from your genuine listening cues, then you’ll have to stop the action and say: "Wanna hear about me?"

Listening is more than simply trying to "help." It is a genuine exchange of energy that is uniquely, beautifully human. It is a pause in your self-focus that allows you to gain perspective on your own situation. Invariably, when getting outside yourself and seeing the world of another, you say: "Well, my troubles aren’t quite as drastic as I first thought." And even if your troubles are big ones, the sharing of energy helps you to feel that you’re not alone and offers you new attitudes you can consider adopting.

Listening is the music of the heart. Sweet chords of resonance are struck when partners, companions, or family members truly listen to each other. Listening is greatly rewarding. The fact that listening is so hard to do makes it that much more precious and desired. After a whole morning through night, ask yourself: "How many minutes was I listened to today?" If it’s only eight minutes, those were the best minutes of your day. And those minutes you listened to someone else? Those were their most golden minutes, too.