DRIVE-YOURSELF-CRAZY TIME (July/August 2001 Issue)

I have been to Los Angeles and it is not there. It is only a six-lane highway masquerading as a city. I recently survived two lifetimes on the L.A. freeways, and I can assure you that nothing happened. I am, in fact, still out there. I'm sending this to you by road runner (clocked at 22 mph, faster than any car in traffic).

I saw hundreds of people on their way to work and they were doing no work. They weren't even thinking of work. They were thinking: "Will my car make it one more time, or will I be exiled here forever?" They were thinking of riding on the median or the gravel shoulder or doing like motorcycles do and riding between the lanes. They were thinking of various people upon whom to expel their rage, but they were definitely not thinking of their jobs.

Thus, for several hours on the endless road to nowhere, workers were pointing themselves toward work, but no work was getting done. I know what you are thinking. The same thing happened at night when these so-called workers were attempting to locomote toward their homes.

This time they were thinking about the work they did not get done because they either arrived three hours late for the job, or had to leave three hours early, or both.

We assemble people in large metropolitan areas within 40 miles of each other so they can gather together in groups and perform the important work of the blessed Economy. And then we deposit vehicles on the freeways in sufficient numbers that each must leave at 2 pm to "beat traffic." Is this the wave of the future? Or is the present bad enough?

Maybe people do work in their cars. This traffic monster probably gave birth to the even greater horror of phone usage while driving. What next? Telephoning between cars so that co-worker can have conference calls while negotiating traffic? Heaven forbid anyone should get upset at what's being said on such calls, for example . . . . layoffs are on the way. What if the call participants have a heated disagreement? I'm getting out of their lanes and driving on the sidewalk. I know. There is no sidewalk.

Not all towns or cities are Los Angeles, but the ridiculous truth is that most or all would like to be. Towns want to become cities so they'll be "put on the map." We live in an era of celebrities. And every town wants the glory of celebrity-hood. "I don't care what you say about me, just talk about me (or my town)" has become an empty-headed definition of "success."

So, careerists rush to the cities to seek success and find themselves staring at car bumpers instead. "Never mind my job title. I'm from L.A. I’m cool. I’m in LA, so I'm going places. In my car. At all times. Going where? To the next freeway."

A culture that cannot deliver its citizens comfortably to their destinations is destined for collapse. Electronic communication may seem to be a partial solution, but people who don't see each other face-to-face begin to forget about each other's humanity. Business done entirely over phone lines or cyber-space will make androids of us all.

Your personal business will increasingly be handled by 800 numbers somewhere out there in Iowa or Virginia where they know they will never see you, so why get too exercised.

A city that is proud of its traffic jams will relegate its citizens to lives of frustration. If I drove to and from work on the LA freeways twice every day, I would be a lifetime member of the booby hatch. No amount of books on tape would save me. No recordings of ocean waves would assuage me.

Human beings were not meant to be in cars. We are two-legged, not designed to travel by sitting on our hindquarters. We have kept our sanity until now, despite years of our lives chained to car seats, and this is a testimonial to our inner strength. But cities like Los Angeles and its many pretenders are determined to get us into that booby hatch yet.

We must be careful about allowing technology to get between us and our work. Automobiles, computers, telephones, laptops, hand-held devices, and other gizmos keep us from doing the real work of talking to people, observing them, interacting with them, and sensing their needs.

Freeway logjams are merely the most obvious symptom of a society and economy that is so obsessed with technology that face-to-face contact becomes increasingly irrelevant. Everytime we invent something, we think we have to use it. Or, the economy sells us into the "necessity" of using it, so we can keep the economy going.

The economy feeds itself but starves people. People buy cars so they'll get to work faster, but they play "bumper cars" with each other, thus getting to work more slowly and with only 20% of their composure intact. Imagine walking into a staff meeting after three hours on the freeway. In the mood for listening and careful interaction?

Many people never get to work at all.

They pull into their parking places just in time to pull out again. I suppose they do their jobs telepathically, while crawling in traffic.

They pull into their parking places just in time to pull out again. I suppose they do their jobs telepathically, while crawling in traffic. Nobody has ever met these people. They’re just voices on the carphone. Quietly babbling away. It's the age of the auto-tele-worka-commuter.